Drug addiction, sex scandals and sociopaths – Part 1

 

Sorry, you were just collateral damage

That’s all He could say.

A relationship that was obsessively persuaded onto me, to then only waste 11 months of my time and rip my world apart in the process. It began intensely and complicated.  Complicated through acquaintances, the past, present and future. Complicated enough for a hard decision to forget all that I knew.

Collateral damage is an understatement.

I was as much collateral damage as I was an image of a normal life.  His trophy to show while he hid away the secret skeletons, only for them to come falling out of the closet later while he was busy playing lethal games.

It began knowing He was in fact linked to a dangerous path with old allies of mine in a world I was completely ignorant about.

I didn’t want to know the truth if I thought I knew the person.

I have a weakness of trusting the words of persuasion, wanting to believe that there is a pure goodness about everyone. In my idealistic world, a dark evil doesn’t exist, so why would it for anyone else?

I didn’t choose to fall in love with a drug trafficking criminal.  I made him swear on both our lives that it was his past and not our future. What he didn’t realise was while he swore on our lives, my life was the price he nearly paid for that lie.

The tangled web began before we met. Dangerous friends, being an acquaintance of people that maybe I shouldn’t be, only to meet their enemy.  And start dating him.

What did I know about Him before we met? Nothing.  I refused to believe he was the evil, others portrayed.  He wasn’t evil to me. He was vulnerable. He was introverted.  He wasn’t his past version with the reputation of the man I was warned about.  He deserved a rewarding future as much as anyone else who once made mistakes in their life.  I didn’t want to hear him bragging about the drugs, money, torture or schemes.  He knew exactly what to say for me to believe he was better than anyone else, an alpha that would protect me. He knew what secrets to hide, what little lies to unravel and to be sorry for, so he could sneak around with the bigger lies while looking directly into my eyes and saying, ‘I love you’.

It began in March 2017.  He was quiet, calming and introverted. I was immediately drawn to the sense of silent masculinity.
Not long after meeting him, I received a message.

It was a short two weeks of continuous messages back and forth until we planned to see each other again, meet each other’s friends, enjoy our own company.  For anyone who saw us, being in each other’s company was naturally comfortable.

A weekend away was all too exciting and new, but there was an unease as well. There was a moment we both should have disappeared from each other’s world but I decided to ignore that worry instead.

“Dakota, something is on your mind.”
“Yes, there is. Are you who I think you are?”

We both knew the person I was talking about. I knew, even though I hoped it wasn’t true and He knew he had to think of an explanation for all of the questions that are to follow.

“Dakota, you have to choose. It is me or them.”

I had to choose to believe one person’s lie over another. Today honesty is one of the rarest forms of communication. People aren’t honest. Their intentions aren’t honest, their past isn’t honest, and they will tell you any sort of ‘little white lie’ to convince you of their innocence.

You hear lies roll off the tongue of the person courting you, you see it through filtered images of dazzling brands, you notice it when someone has a slip of the tongue and forgot what they previously said.  And once you start questioning the truth, their defence rises.  Questioning anything immediately places the mirror in front of themselves and they’re not always going to like what they see.

Confused with the choice I had to make, without the rush and expectation He already had of me, I followed my heart.

I just had one more question, “Ok, as a relationship, is there anything I should be worried about?”

“No.” He replied, followed with a line that should have sent me walking out the door. “Well yes, I guess I’m a bit possessive. You’re mine.”

“I’m yours.”

It soon wrapped us up in a perfect world of falling in love. He treated me like a princess, chivalry followed him, he was loving, caring and protective. A few months into a magnetising connection and an inseparable love, suddenly I was the only one left at the party.

I become his saviour, his ears, his counselling sessions and his fucking rehabilitation centre. He exhausted every emotion and physical energy I had.  To me, and everyone around him, he was perfect.  He was building a future, however with doors closed and everyone asleep the only comfort he searched for was the glass pipe.

That’s when it all began, with a man that would tear up every time he saw me after a week away at work, a man that would serenade me with Elvis Presley and slow dance in the middle of the drive way. To a man I never met. A complete stranger.

He went sliding down the icy slope while dragging me along.

A person with an altered state and headspace of pure meth induced dopamine highs shadowed by devastating lows doesn’t feel the same emotion again. Their actions will never match their words.

The affection and feelings that I experienced will only mask the deceit and suspicious behaviour that I noticed later. His altered state is unpredictable and better left alone without questions.

The past was starting to resurface around his life. My life. Our life.

There are consequences for choosing to live your life after following an illegal trade and getting caught twice before.  It was hard enough to have others judgement cast down upon him, but to live the life that he dreamt for us, maybe wasn’t a possibility and that was starting to be proven to me.

It was easy for him to be hidden away when I was at work.  My long days behind a computer were made all the better when I got to spend each night staying up late talking to him, playing music and daydreaming about the future. I fought through every yawn and had as little sleep as I could just to enjoy reality.  He was full of energy, laughs, love.

Unsure why, the nights got longer although I was getting comfortable with more seep, he seemed to be getting less. Of course, until each Sunday.

His paranoia started and so did my exhaustion. I felt like I was living a life blindly and missing most my days.  His paranoia even started to convince me that things were taking place because of his intense surety and my memory lapses from dissociation and tiredness. He started to believe I was saying things behind his back, he was being tracked or fooled.  He made me second guess myself and walk on egg shells trying not to trigger suspicion.
My phone data was downloaded, all of my social media logged into on his own device and male friends were messaged who I hadn’t spoken to in years, for the proof that I was cheating.

Facebook Messenger was the tool of trade for a fake profile for the only purpose of framing someone else with threats to my family. It took me 6 months to realise he was sending threats to himself from a fake account, for us all to worry.

He was convinced. Certain I was lying, suspicious that I was keeping dark secrets.  I was convinced he was just previously hurt. Each Sunday was his depression comedown of a meth induced week off work.  Self medicating with Xanax would help him sleep through his ‘worries and pain’.

Little did I know the addiction was not only harmful to him, but after the threat of breaking my arms, or wrap hands around my neck, when I tried to take away that vice, it also became harmful to me.

It wasn’t long before two became three.

I had already heard about the wrath of his ex companion – I was never a fan.  I never understood the obsession.  That wasn’t the present, it was a past that did not involve me.  Until suddenly it did.

Her

The days now included His glass pipe half full, the dark web and dark personalities.

Two did become three.  But two became three when I entered the picture in March 2017.  I was starting to wish I never took the chance on him.

Their relationship wasn’t over.  I was caught in between a cat and dog.  She was not happy I lived a life with him.  I had to go, and this became one of her favourite games.

Be careful not to burn your bridges with me, sweetheart” was the first threat she sent to me.

He swore on our relationship that he would have nothing to do with his ex.  But I could see their obsession with each other.  Something I will never understand.
I listened to him cursing and insulting Her and how much he hates her to everyone around him but behind my back the obsession turned against me.  A strange unhealthy toxic fantasy between two people continued while they calculated plans against one another.  Their pornographic affair kept secretive. He was in a serious relationship with me, spoke nothing but loving words, and she, she was in a public famous eye and role model for New Zealand posting anti bullying posts, strong women and about the degradation of abusive relationships.

But whilst hiding behind a fake personality, the insults and threats still rolled off her tongue through to me.  It was easy for me to throw an aggressive response back and demand to not contact me again and ridding all possibilities of contact from this self-proclaimed queen.

Unfortunately, her game just began.

Then, a message request.

Blog1 message

If I was you (I’d) be asking what *** was doing at ***house when she was (in) Brisbane, while you were at work… and I’d recommend you not doing anymore sex videos with him either because they’ve clearly been sent into the wrong hands…”

He denied everything.  Denied the possibility of such personal property being sent.  Denied the meet up between Him and Her.  I believed him. I believed this because I couldn’t wrap around my head that someone, who is meant to love you, could continue to do so wrong.  I couldn’t understand why anyone would ever want to humiliate and degrade their girlfriend the way He did to me.

Denial soon became guilt and sorrow. Three days later I received messages from a friend.

“Dakota, ***  messaged me. Just be warned she has sent videos of you to me. I’m so sorry.”

While I was begging for my life to be over, she was begging for the attention from the public and He was begging for forgiveness.

Their obsession was dangerous, their obsession was harmful

and I was just collateral damage.

 

 

 

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Animal Kingdom

It’s been two years since my first blog.

I still have no fucking idea what I’m doing.

No limitless savings, no smashing love life or career promotion, but I know what I want.
Am I doing life all wrong? No, maybe differently, but certainly not wrong.

Imagine a young Heath Ledger character in Two Hands and his constant facial expression of ‘What the fuck have I got myself into?’.
He finally knew it was time to walk away, alive. The vicious circle revolved for the last time and the people who put power over him eventually came to an end with the song of Powderfinger ‘These Days’ playing to the credits.

The past two years I have been dealt more lessons than I’ve anticipated. I’ve had a life of self-isolating weeks, I’ve worked for frauds, been involved with a criminal or two, on and off heavy anti depressants, received the occasional empty death threat and even had a sex tape leaked.

Not even kidding you.

Killin’ it Dakota, absolutely killin’ it.

My life has become the punch line for every joke that comes out of my mouth and while it wasn’t always pleasant, no one can steal my sense of humour.

The challenges kept making their way into my life and the lessons got harder and harder. I slowly lost the person I was. I didn’t think at 27 I would be here. I have left every town since I was 17 out of fear of getting ‘stuck’. At times I haven’t wanted to be anywhere. I’ve gone from my healthiest to my unhealthiest.
The degradation of my mental health was insidious and caused by triggers of disappointment, bullying, humiliation and hurt, nearly becoming the end.  My mind has been flipped upside down more times than I can remember. I was influenced enough to lose the person I was. The little girl that was always outside in a tree daydreaming, the teenager that would never say no to sport, the grown bubbly personality that was quick witted and wasn’t afraid to ask the stupid questions or laugh at herself.

Depression won’t let you get out of bed, it will disassociate you and stop you from feeling, it will stop any motivation you have with your work and drag you down the path of hopelessness. The dark cloud choked the life out of me. It had me breaking down in my managers office, locking myself in my room and laying curled up under the shower crying for hours. When someone would ask if I was ok, a quick response rolled off my tongue “I’m fine, all good”, forcing a smile, though the truth is, I was giving up. I barely woke up happy, wishing I hadn’t woke up at all and my phone was forever on flight mode.  To the point friends were worried to leave me alone, people stop and question the food I’m eating, or not eating, the person I was dating or associated with and what bones they can see.

One positive thing is, today, I am 100% more myself than I ever have been.  That includes all the laughter, smiles and days where I curl up into bed, daydream, read to avoid the world. While I’m not posting photos of myself with a full face of make up and a box of pizza while wearing lacy Peter Alexander pyjamas in bed hashtagging #sleepovers, I certainly am eating the pizza.  Actually, I can’t afford Peter Alexander, because I’m trying to decide whether my money should be spent on a sky-diving ticket, a stand up comedy course or more bottles of wine.  Maybe that one way ticket to the Pacific Islands where I can dream of doing more good than at any office.

I’m finally taking time with my girlfriends to dance ridiculously until 2am, talking to family every day and very slowly welcoming new and the right people into my life and completely disappearing from the wrong.

I’m surrounded by family and friends full of love whether they are a suburb away or on the other side of the state and even when I take time out for myself, I still have a face of hurt from laughter and a smile ear to ear.

I’ve came to realise that regardless of who will bring you down, it will never dictate your future. I have promised myself that I won’t lower myself to standards of disrespect because of any actions that have been shown to me. That isn’t me.  I will never have such an ugly personality.

I will also take no shit.


Moving forward, and not taking a glimpse into the past, what pressures will I now face in the world outside of my past experiences? I’m 27, I’m single, I’m focusing fully on my career in the environmental and humanitarian industry for the love of helping people.  I’m not exactly where I want to be, but I’m where I need to be.

The only pressures I will have for now, and what you will have, regardless of how your life has shaped, or is shaping to, are the pressures we put on ourselves.  I think I’ll choose not to.

There is no pressure to be successful before the year is out, or to fall in love again, have a white picket fence or a dog. The only choice I will be making is to be happy and healthy.

I would often say to friends in exasperation, this is not my fucking life…

But what I now realise, this is my life. It has been my reality for over a year.

The best thing I can do, is write it out. Hopefully I have learnt some lessons that other people won’t have to.

Irrespective of what keeps knocking me back. I will always persevere to come out on top better than ever.

3 steps back, 10 steps forward.

Everybody leads different lives and mine was never meant to be lived by anyone else, nor will yours be.

In the big bad world of everyone wanting to be lions, I refuse to run in the circus. We’re all just another species, it’s about survival of the fittest.

So welcome to my god damn animal kingdom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I nearly didn’t meet him

I can’t do this.

I can’t do this.

The same thought travelling around my head for 20 minutes while I sit in a car deciding whether I should make up an excuse and drive away.  I think I cracked my knuckles to the point my fingers were aching.  Bad habit when I’m anxious.

I felt sick, my body was tense and I’m sitting in my car waiting for my friend to say not to come meet up, we will need to cancel.

“Please come catch up and see us! I also invited another mate so you won’t be the only person that doesn’t know anyone”

So? Meant nothing to me, I don’t see them miraculously fixing my social anxiety.

Guilt. It’s usually the one feeling that will turn my mind from avoiding friends and social situations into sure, I’ll make an appearance.

I hadn’t seen my friend in over a year, had never met his partner and all I could think about was locking myself up in a room to avoid public.

“Ok, sure I’ll come, but I’ll drive and only stay for a little bit”

Social anxiety can swallow any small amount of charisma in your body. You lose your laugh, your smile, your perception of where you are and the only thing in sight is the exit sign.

 

I nearly didn’t meet him.

 

“Ok, we’re at the pub, the first table you’ll see as you walk in.”

Fuck. I drove here.  I’m waiting in the carpark.  I didn’t think of an excuse.

Knowing one person in a crowded bar, alcohol soaked floors and an average one man band playing Horses by Daryl Braithwaite can be an absolute nightmare.  Your walls close in and suddenly there are too many movements in your peripheral vision. Social anxiety is debilitating. 

I’ll stay for an hour then I’ll retreat back to my reclusive perfect night in.  A well overdue catch up, meeting of new lovely people and somehow staying there sober without panicking was a success.

Remember to celebrate the little wins.

Alright, I’ll probably head off soon” – “Nah wait, my friend is nearly here and will be good to catch up with you both.”

20 minutes and I’m leaving.  I couldn’t think of anymore small talk with people I just met, a years worth of catch up drifts by and I’m sober wanting desperately to get drunk just to aid my own comfort.

 

And then he walked in.

 

Quick introductions and a small conversation.  When meeting people, I like to listen to how they speak, how loud they are and how they want to be heard.

How quiet he was, caught my attention. He wasn’t loud, he wasn’t obnoxious and when he spoke my anxiety didn’t cripple my response.

When I think back to that night and realise how close I was to missing him, two thoughts cross my mind.

  1. It was meant to be
  2. Anxiety nearly stopped me from meeting the love of my life.

 

When wondering where life can take you, your imagination seeks happiness.  It creates the ideal situation of seeing the world and all its beauty.  You throw yourself into a dream of adventure, success and love, only for it to turn to doubt all too quickly.

Anxiety attacks you at home, in the street, in your workplace – anytime day or night. It can slap you in the face and make sure you feel it. 

I become mute. I can’t answer questions. My head can’t focus on a single thought, my chest tightens and I have to try stop myself from crying before anyone can see panic wash over my face. 

Anxiety, whether it’s socially, occasionally or overall engulfing your everyday life can be the difference in what happens tomorrow. 

 Ever since that night of meeting James, I have recreated how anxiety controls me.

What if you took the chance to overcome a fear?

Forced your voice forward?

Volunteered for those tasks at work, not knowing what the results will be?

Realise anxiety isn’t a roadblock but only a speed bump.

Mental illness doesn’t define who you are but it helps to shape you stronger and the values that are gained are your biggest success whether it be personally, professionally or spiritually.

I don’t believe opportunities are always missed, maybe they’re just put on hold for the perfect moment, such as those 3 seconds you stop anxiety; before it has the chance to stop you.

 

I nearly didn’t meet you.

I nearly didn’t meet you either.

It’s OK to make mistakes

I never understood the “No Regrets” phase .. I saw girls scream it out while throwing their cosmos in the air, I see it tattooed on wrists, backs and chests of mostly people who were brought up in the 90’s era.

For me, I never believed it.. I call bullshit on the whole thing, because for one.. I can list off a number of mistakes I have regrets about.
So for everyone who can sometimes feel the same way with a conscious that sends your mind into overload – I’m going to let you know that I’ve been there. I would say we all have but I also know there will be some head strong ‘free as a bird’, yolo phrase loving individuals who will swear they really don’t have regrets.

So here it is, another little insight of my life to hopefully help people remember we are all human beings, as fucking messed up as one can get, someone else is right there with you.

1. Living your life on the verge of alcohol poisoning –

Well well well, it isn’t a surprise that I don’t handle my alcohol. But for 2 years I made some of the best memories with my Airlie family. We drank, we laughed, we danced and we made fools of ourselves with a little less dignity.
Unfortunately some of these times ended up with regretful nights or mornings of disappointing other people. It could have been your best friend who you got into an argument with, it could have been missing out on seeing a guy you were looking forward to catching up with only for him to later see you in the worst possible state or the biggest mistake – losing motivation to get my life sorted with study, exams, assignments or work shifts. I went from living a life of strict health, control and isolation; to a world of the drinking town with a sailing problem.

Working hospitality can come with serious addictions to let loose when we finally get to the other side of the bar.
We all do crazy shit after a few shots, there will always be someone with a camera and you might not remember most of it. You may feel like a mess with judgement coming down on you like a tonne of bricks, but who hasn’t been in that state? When it comes to the relationships you have, people will forgive you. But you may not always forgive yourself.
When you’re surrounded by this, it is hard to break the fun away from friends – but don’t get stuck in a damaging lifestyle. If you want to play hard, work harder.

2. – Not taking that opportunity..

You may have passed up on some volunteer work, because you needed to pay bills. You could have quit an industry with a stable career handed to you. You may have been convinced to stay in a relationship because love feels better than working your arse off for your employer and after all ‘it’s only a job, we can always go back.’ – Not always. I’ve done all of the above and I’m not sure if I regret it but I could have made smarter choices.
My mishaps could be having an impulsive urge to quit, booking a trip away and coming back home to no job, no footstep into the door and back to serving alcohol 7 nights a week or two part time jobs.
I think when it comes to our own career choices – there is passion – the love for your own ambition and chasing what may seem impossible, and the mixture of what you think is ‘right’ – this may be what your family or friends want to persuade is right and a built up pressure from yourself of being successful. Before other people tell you that you’ve lost it all, and criticise your choice – remember that today, it is a lot harder to survive – and you are doing the best you can to stay ahead while continuing to move forward.
I’ll be the first to admit I could have done a lot of things differently, and for those who know me, my career is a massive part of who I am. I took a big break from my goals to get my happiness back on track – I know a lot of people who have, but you’ll notice people who made that choice, whether it was a regret or not – they’ll be the ones who come back better than ever.

“What are you doing with your life?”.. It’s a surprise.

3. – Remember that time you were seeing… shut your mouth

I’m sure we have all been there. This mistake is probably one that is better remembered over a bottle of wine and a lot of laughing. Whether you’re a guy or a fellow chick, we’ve had some fucked up flings. They were crazy, we were crazy, someone was always naive and the other too arrogant. Speaking of which, less than 24 hours of living in Brisbane and one of those regrets from 5 years ago decided to send me a superlike on Tinder..

No thaaaanks. You can skip right along.

4 – Not spending enough time with family
For the first time in 6 years I moved back closer to my family, but I didn’t see them as much as I wish I did. With all our own lives moving ahead or the busy days in which we forgot to take a step back from, I hardly saw them. I should have took more days off work, I should have made more of the effort to drive a short 2 hours and I should have been around them more. Now I’m further away.
That is a regret I can’t or won’t justify. It isn’t a regret ok to have.

5 – Failing Uni courses
University was one of the most toughest times for me. I’m not a good student. I think I shocked the family when I decided to study. I was indecisive then impulsive. I thought I’ll make everyone happy and proud of me if I went off to uni. To be honest when I was first out of school, I wasn’t ready. At 17 years old and inexperienced of the world, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I loved the idea of the future employment – at the time I just wanted to work with animals and care for animals and play with all the animals in the world. I was always a hard worker and as I’ve said before I gained my work ethic from my parents. But study is a whole other ball game. Hundreds of dollars on books, accomodation and stationary, while trying to not fall asleep in a boring as hell lecture. There were very few classes that kept my interest at university. I felt incapable of being successful.
The worst feeling is everybody elses expectations of you succeeding at uni. Majority of university students have failed at least one or two courses. STATS had an 80% failure rate. (Yep, I was one of them).
I began with one degree then transferred to another. 8 years since leaving highschool, it took to finally complete and graduate. I transferred, I failed, I quit. Now I look back at it, I could have done a lot dissimilarly. I regret not studying longer, I regret letting my personal life drive away my responsibility and I regret giving up 60% of the time. But regardless of that, I got there.
I was mentoring young girls at a school through a science program about Women in the Science industry. Most of my speech was about allowing yourself to be realistic, work hard and give yourself time. Whether it takes 3 years or 10 years – you’ll reach your goal.
If you are studying, or thinking about studying – please remember it is ok to go at your own pace. If you happen to skip out on passing a course, don’t let bad results disenheart you, let it be your motivation. The only person you need to keep sane, and proud, is yourself. It will be difficult at times, but defenitely worth it.

6 – Spending your life savings each week –

Story of my life – I use to think I was great at saving – but when you go from a heavy pay check – to struggling with the casual part time jobs you now have – funds are low and your spending habit is high. If there is one thing I am jealous of, it is people who have the ability to save money. Now I won’t claim to be high maintenance and a big spender, but what I am is irresponsible – don’t worry that is changing.

I may have accumulated bills – only for it to obviously triple because I was too lazy to just pay it at the start. Dinner out with friends, spending more money on other people than I probably should (I don’t mind that), moving alot, taxi fares, seafood platters, clothes I never wear – it all adds up. I was never ok with money, I borrowed and I was owed too.
Living the paradise lifestyle on limited pay in sunshine really took its toll on me. Everytime I tried to save to move on, there would be another bill, and less shifts through our quiet seasons at work. 2017 will be the year of budgeting and seeing a financial planner.

7- Not giving someone a chance –

Girl meets guy, they hang out – mutual interest – and surprising enough, they are both decent level headed people. Girl suddenly drops off the face of the planet.
To this day it still is a bit of a mystery to why I have let this happen. I get so caught up in my own world – I focus too much on the future and where I need to be rather than enjoying anything at the time. But where has that left me? Here. I’m fine, great actually. But that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t have been if I let my guard down – I could still be great, but with someone who actually loves everything about me.

A girlfriend of mine always says “I’m not going out on any dates, guys are shit.” – My advice – lower your expectations of someone, we are all human. I’m not perfect, you’re not perfect. No one will be the perfect person, and you can’t expect them to. (She is still wanting to prove me wrong on that one)

Girls, if he is a decent man, learn to break away from your independence and expectations. Stop complaining that no one is interested. There most likely is – you just need to stop expecting the grass to be greener somewhere else. Because you may miss out on someone pretty fucking amazing. (That goes for all the guys complaining too)

With plenty of mistakes we can learn to value the lessons that they come with. Make one mistake, make it twice or just keep making it until you realise what it is that you really want out of life.
Regret comes with a ripple effect – so try not be too harsh on anyone that has made a misguided act by you. Instead, be that underlying support they’ll appreciate and thank later. We all make mistakes – but at the end of the day, what gets us through it is the people that surround us and hold our hands until the moment of self doubt has passed.

The ugly truth about grudges. (Part two)

When I was little, I could get so angry at someone, but they would never know. I would get so angry that I would just break down and cry (typical INFP).
Then that would be it.
I would forget, and they probably never even knew they upset me.

Mini Dakota was clearly more switched on to staying happy, because as you grow up and people hurt you in worse ways it isn’t easy to forget.

What you don’t learn is that while you’ve become great at proving your fury, if you’re not careful, you will also compromise your own happiness.

2 years prior to now there were a few ups and downs that indirectly shaped what roads I have been taking since.  I honestly believed at the time those 2 years had shaped my life forever, but I think that was a part of my emotionally unstable and melodramatic character.
One of my previous blogs, I wrote about an ex love.  I think it was love, I wouldn’t have a clue to be honest, but what I do know is at the time it went from whatever love it was to hate with a passion.  There was no turning back, there would never be any reminiscing and no forgiving.  I was determined to be angry at Mr. Narcissist for, what I thought, would be the rest of my life.

So here is part two…

I disappeared pretty quick to completely forget the shit storm. Supported by friends and family, I chased the delusional thought of being happy with ‘Ignorance is Bliss’ as my life motto.
Turns out I was still running into a downward spiral and doing what I do best, bottle it up, screw the cap on and ignore the problem, which for someone who had at the time been diagnosed with major depression, it was all about to unravel.

There I was, skipping off to a new town and meeting new faces.

What people don’t tell you, when they’re saying

“you’re brave, stay strong”
“don’t look back”

Is that running away, with such an intense hateful grudge, does you more damage than none.

Growing up (and being a true Gemini) I could never hold a grudge. I hate conflict, it was never worth the awkward situation and I liked my happy little bubble.  If I ever have an argument with anyone, just wave a donut in my face. Seriously, I will forget ever being angry and imagining myself pushing you into a stream of hot burning lava.
Trust me, bribery works.

I would never forget what someone did or said to me, I would just forget to stay in a bad mood over it.

But, not this time. I screwed up the sorry letters, threw the flowers in the bin and yeah ok, I ate the cupcake (as if I would ever just waste that).

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At that point, no amount of crawling back would have worked for old mate.

I remembered everything, I remembered the amount of pain, I remember the hatred I had, I remember every little horrible detail of the cheating, mind games, control and by then it was too late.
I became a vault that held onto the grudge for a year and a half. While you have your support, no one can understand or explain to you that this negativity and bitterness will control you.  It will bring you down and as you’re sitting there thinking you’re a better and bigger person for running off and turning away from a rough patch, it will be the anger that keeps you from crawling your way out of the depressive hole they dug.

Everything shifted. It wasn’t my ex that had the power to make bad decisions. He didn’t force me to stay out till 3 am drinking and thinking the world owed me a favour or any other shitty excuse to get drunk with the girls. He didn’t force me to keep pushing people away.
If I met a guy with the same name, I wouldn’t have given him a sideway glance.

Same job? Nope.
Same car? Nope.
Same look? No.
Fuck, same star sign? Oh, hell no.
I once had a psychic tell me, “Your true love will be a man with short dark hair, age of 25 and either a Taurus, Capricorn or Virgo”
I quickly laughed that off and replied with, “we can knock out Virgo because that’s never happening again”.

I wasn’t an approachable person. I got called intimidating by some men, I never knew exactly why, but I will admit I didn’t give the time of day. It wasn’t personal, I never gave anyone the time of day.

It wasn’t entirely his fault that I second guessed everyone’s intentions.  I judged people for my past with him, except that mistake was on me.  I got so good at despising Mr Narcissist that there was not one day I didn’t think about him.
When truth be told, angry thoughts lurked my own mind, while he happily got on with his life.

That is not healthy.  I was so unhappy for over a year just because I held onto that grudge.  And for what reason?  I wasn’t near him. There was no contact. Yet I worried my friends so much because I let this destroy the person I was. It was either a plague of fucking nightmares or panic attacks.

Eventually, you just become tired. Tired of the same hating thoughts, tired of people asking you questions about it, tired of putting an intense amount of negative energy into your life.

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I was never brave, strong or anything else daily memes describe breakups as. I was just fucking exhausted.  I simply, got over the past. I understand it isn’t simple for some people to ‘get over’ things, but for me it was never simple ‘to be angry’.

I know my closest friends don’t understand why I could let it go, but I need them to trust that I’m ok.  I don’t look back at the past, I don’t push people away, I don’t shy so much from social situations.

Who knows, I may even give another Virgo a chance.

The relationship I now have with my former flame, is friendship.  We don’t have any anger towards each other, he was happy I could finally be ok to have a conversation and I’m happy for him and where his life ended up.  I still respect him professionally and we ask each other for work and business advice constantly. I admire that he can still listen and respect my opinion with such massive aspects of life.

I guess in a way I’m thankful for a dramatic event like that, because now if I was to meet someone, I would be so grateful when they treated me kindly. If they didn’t, I know I won’t hold it against them, or myself and we can both move on to better things.

I like to think I’m understanding, I know empathy is such a strong moral of mine, and with this character I learnt how others can treat you and why.  From someone that had her own mental health issues happening and depression taking its toll, I could understand how you can’t control people, their thoughts, their actions. There isn’t any point questioning or trying to ‘fix’ people that have hurt you.

The biggest strength you do have is how you react.
Or how you don’t.

 “Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.”
– Carl Jung, Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist 

Sail Away

For the love of the ocean, paradise is seen out on the reef and felt by the experience of sailing.

dail awayay

After a year and half of living in the Whitsundays, I haven’t let myself enjoy enough time being a tourist. I don’t believe we can truly appreciate what this sea side town has to offer by sticking to the mainland.   We meet locals, backpackers, boaties and fellow Australians that come to our town to feel the sunshine, heat and lifestyle that isn’t known in the cities or country towns.

The true magnificence is the big blue that backdrops Airlie Beach. We have the opportunity to leave our responsibilities at the Marina and sail off into the unknown and discover our environment more intimately, something to be treasured. There are a number of boats and companies that offer trips overnight, or longer.  I had the chance to travel through OzSail and was off on the sailing yacht of Mandrake.

After a long week of working nights I welcomed the 3 day/2 night break. I had never done anything like this, out of a comfort zone and ready to go along for the ride.

After turning up to my group, I soon noticed I was the only Australian guest, not so uncommon for our backpacker town. Five Germans, two Asians, one French and myself. With a warm welcome and friendly hello, the skipper of Mandrake, Paul, promised they’ll look after me.  With a massive smile our host Laura welcomed us on board and from leaving the Marina until we arrived back, both her and Paul went above and beyond to assure our safety, security and smiles.

Sailing off into the sunset was beautiful to say the least. We were surrounded by rain in the distance and the island of Australia behind us. Conversations flowed of who we are and where everyone was from. Laura was our host, tour guide, Paul our skipper and they soon became our friend.  With rain and roughness expected, we were still promised a trip of a lifetime.

“I love the sunsets, the wildlife and meeting all the people that come on board! I love sailing…” – Laura, OzSail host

The first day we woke up and got excited for Whitehaven Beach.  Whitehaven is one of the most picturesque spots in Australia.  Voted as one of the top twelve beaches in the world by Trip Advisor, it is well known for not only tourists around the world, but photography, filming and a wedding destination.  It can see up to 350 people a day from the tourism industry in peak season and the visitors are still swarming in to swim in the blue sea and wander through national parks and along the white strand.

Taking time out to relax, bury my feet in the sand and zone out to the calm water and rolling clouds is exactly what I needed. Wandering up to Hill Inlet you can see why this is one of the most striking places on Earth and why it is captured as paradise.

dail away

 

Most days we expected to enter the stillness, but as this is Queensland it wouldn’t be true without a little roughness above the ocean. Jumping into the sea the water below was calm but chaotic with life. Water temperatures were warm and you soon become lost amongst the aquatic ecosphere.  With so much life surrounding you, it feels like you’re accepted into a new world.

This is why we have so much demand on tourism and OzSail will meet those needs.

Paul educates us on the species we are visiting and it is obvious this isn’t just a job to the crew, but their passion. To sail the Whitsundays is an option, but to sail with a company that have love for our environment that they see daily, is a charm.

Our last morning was astounding. We woke up and dived into Blue Pearl Bay.  One of the captains favourite spots for free diving and all of us were able to be encapsulated by the beauty. Blue Pearl Bay was beloved.

As our trip came to an end, we relaxed or even gave our best to try sail the boat ourselves. I left with new friends, an amazing experience and eagerness to get back to paradise one day soon.

The social acceptance of sending nudes and our modern dating life

“I’m not wearing an invisibility cloak, but do you think I can still visit your restricted section tonight” – Daniel, Tinder Member

I don’t need to be a Harry Potter fan to figure that one out. I’ve signed up to the popular dating/friendship/fucking app a couple of times now – ok maybe about 4.  Each time deleting it knowing you shouldn’t need an app to meet people. Every other time was simply used as a way to piss my ex off, meet new people in a new town and possibly meet someone worthy of beer and pizza.  Before I go on, I can’t completely knock the site. I have met a couple of decent friends by this little friendship app in the palm of my hand.

But the reason I decided to jump back on was for mere entertainment and a blog. A couple of weeks ago, a very close girlfriend of mine was telling me how a guy kept messaging her and even though she clearly explained that she wasn’t interested in dating him and nothing will happen, the silly fool went on to send a dick pic.

My question… Why?

Why do men think – Oh yep, this will change her mind – this pink disgusting sea cucumber will definitely get me the date I was just begging her for!

Men, please just stop – and if you do send an unwarranted dick pic – NEVER ASK WHAT WE THINK. I’ll tell you why…

My girlfriend – after receiving the pic was genuinely concerned.

“Dakota, I need to show you something… What is that!?”

Oh great… What I just saw could not be unseen. In fact it is still burned in my memory.

“Hun you need to tell him to see a doctor, he can’t possibly think that is ok, he needs to see a doctor.”
“But I don’t know him well enough to refer him to the doctor.”
“Well, he clearly thinks he knows you well enough to send a dick pic, maybe just let him know.”

After some curiosity, wine and google, we diagnosed the poor gent with PPP (go on, I know you will all whip out your phones for a quick search engine).

As you can read, it was nothing terminal but definitely a reason why you should not send dick pics. So why has it become socially acceptable. I jumped on Tinder to maybe figure out an answer to sexual greetings…

From the humorously entertaining and the frightening, Tinder had at all. Within a few swipes I had my first sexual gesture.  He lost points for the Harry Potter reference (sorry, Daniel) but gained some for correct spelling. My next interaction was complimenting my name – that it was rare – from someone with a name I couldn’t pronounce, Rairii (thanks buddy). Then a mixture of; “How ya goin’?”, “What’s doin’?” and other questions with poor grammar.

And jackpot! Someone with a sense of humour. I’ll let you in on a little secret, if you can make me laugh, you’re an 11 out of 10.
“And then I jumped off a cliff”
“ Sorry wrong convo”
“ – But I’m pretty dangerous anyway”

Shaine was funny, but I still didn’t respond. I’m the worst person with communication, I communicate 100% then drop off the face of the Earth. That doesn’t particularly matter because this is simply for a blog.

After matching with a few more nearby candidates I got asked a range of topics from rim jobs to my degree and how long I’ve been in Airlie. Surprising.
It’s well known guys send shit messages for entertainment or a creep factor, do any women answer, or laugh it off?

What if I flipped the switch from normal to fucking insane? How will men respond? Is there a double standard to crazy inappropriate messages? Let’s find out…

Peter – Tinder member

“Hey J how long are you in Airlie for? You wanna meet up?”

Anonymous acting on my behalf:
“Yeah I’m keen for some fun”
“Like how do you like it?”
“I’m pretty forward”
“Just really comfortable in my own sexuality”

Peter didn’t respond… (Possibly because I could personally think of better lines to catfish with)

Let’s see if Davide will respond..

Me: “Davide! That’s a nice name. I use to work with a Davide. He was in the Porn industry”
Davide: “Hi, thanks, nice to meet you. What are you doing?”

Me: “Just at work at the moment. I have to start filming soon”

No response… maybe I should lead into the craziness a little slower?
New victim… Matthew (he was a good sport – or not judgmental and maybe a little crazy himself)
Me: “Hey Matty!!”
Matthew: “Dakota”
Me: “and how’s your night going?”
Matthew: “It’s been alright. Just having drinks with a couple of mates. How’s yours going?”
Me: “It’s ok. I’m in a bit of pain from the dentist so taking it easy tonight”
Matthew: “Ah that doesn’t sound good, it sucks going to the dentist!”
Me: “It definitely does. I think I regret it”
Matthew: “I bet you do haha. So where abouts do you live?”
Me: “Bowen”
Matthew: “Oh nice! I’m down here at the moment”
Me: “Oh awesome. Yeah I really like Bowen, I just got out of incarceration a few months ago so it’s a nice change”
Matthew: “I could imagine it would be”
Me: “So many nice people, they don’t even stare”
Matthew: “I bet they check u out tho”
Me: “Yeah maybe. I tend to scare some people. Dentist fixed that though”
Matthew: “Well that’s good”
Time to speed it up…

Me: “Can I ask you a question Matty? I just think you might be easy to chat to”
Matthew: “Go for it”
Me: “So… While in prison my girls and I thought it might be a good idea to file our teeth into sharp points.. we had an obsession with twilight. Do you think I’ll find love if I keep my teeth like that? I just really like it.”
Matthew: “Wow! Haha maybe. R u being serious”
Me: “ ? yeah? Why wouldn’t I be”
Matthew: “It would be different. But if you like it keep it like that, it’s your choice at the end of the day”
Me: “Oh you’re so nice. I like Matthews. My clairvoyant said I would meet a Matthew in the future”
Matthew: “haha crazzy hey”
Me: “Do you think maybe we could meet? See if there is a ‘spark’?”
Matthew: “May I ask what you were inside for? Yeah sounds good”
Me: “Promise not to freak out?”
Matthew: “yeah”
Me: “So I fell in love with my highschool sweetheart. He didn’t seem to like that, anyway I just thought I could make him love me. I mean, it hurt me too. It hurt he didn’t love me. So I wanted to hurt him.  Turns out castrations isn’t allowed… But I’m totally not like that anymore!!”
Matthew: “How long were you inside fore, I just had a mate get out. Haha castration isn’t allowed… that’s funny”

At this point I’m starting to wonder whether Matthew is a really nice guy, or catfishing me too?

Me: “He deserved it. I would do it again”

I was then blocked… and Matthew if you ever read this. I fear for your safety.  Don’t date girls that neuter their boyfriends.

So after very little action… on Tinder, I gave up. I couldn’t be bothered to waste anymore data. I saw people I have met years ago that didn’t recognize me, I saw men that I thought were in relationships only to learn that they unfortunately broke up with their wife, and I also saw cheating men ‘looking for fun’ who I knew were in a very domesticated life with their oblivious girlfriends.  Which made me really sad for those women.

Maybe I didn’t get the answers I was looking for on how our dating world has changed. Generations have evolved from the chivalry to the occasional 4 am message via a phone.  No need to even call anymore.  Is this what it will be like for the next 10 years of my dating life?  I like to think I’m quite relaxed and not high maintenance but even I don’t want to just accept my next potential boyfriend to ask me out with a message of “so… are we together or can I get back on Tinder?”. I do expect to be respected and I’ll give respect back.

Let me just say, dating sucks. That label is even lost. You aren’t dating, you’re just “hanging out” – which is a bullshit excuse for someone to have a claim over you with no commitment. Women get made to be a bitch if she is upfront and says ‘I’m not interested’.  And men don’t have it any easier.   They might spend time getting to know someone, realise their heart isn’t in it, meet new girls then get labelled a ‘player’.

Regardless of those consequences honesty is the best policy, and we just have to remind ourselves that a sense of humour will help, but no one finds explicit photos attractive.  No girl wants to date a man sending dick pics to women and no guy will want to date a girl posting naked photos in bed while hash tagging #goodmorning #newbedsheets #pillowtalk

Keep it classy, honest and hold on to those photos for someone special.