The ugly truth about grudges. (Part two)

When I was little, I could get so angry at someone, but they would never know. I would get so angry that I would just break down and cry (typical INFP).
Then that would be it.
I would forget, and they probably never even knew they upset me.

Mini Dakota was clearly more switched on to staying happy, because as you grow up and people hurt you in worse ways it isn’t easy to forget.

What you don’t learn is that while you’ve become great at proving your fury, if you’re not careful, you will also compromise your own happiness.

2 years prior to now there were a few ups and downs that indirectly shaped what roads I have been taking since.  I honestly believed at the time those 2 years had shaped my life forever, but I think that was a part of my emotionally unstable and melodramatic character.
One of my previous blogs, I wrote about an ex love.  I think it was love, I wouldn’t have a clue to be honest, but what I do know is at the time it went from whatever love it was to hate with a passion.  There was no turning back, there would never be any reminiscing and no forgiving.  I was determined to be angry at Mr. Narcissist for, what I thought, would be the rest of my life.

So here is part two…

I disappeared pretty quick to completely forget the shit storm. Supported by friends and family, I chased the delusional thought of being happy with ‘Ignorance is Bliss’ as my life motto.
Turns out I was still running into a downward spiral and doing what I do best, bottle it up, screw the cap on and ignore the problem, which for someone who had at the time been diagnosed with major depression, it was all about to unravel.

There I was, skipping off to a new town and meeting new faces.

What people don’t tell you, when they’re saying

“you’re brave, stay strong”
“don’t look back”

Is that running away, with such an intense hateful grudge, does you more damage than none.

Growing up (and being a true Gemini) I could never hold a grudge. I hate conflict, it was never worth the awkward situation and I liked my happy little bubble.  If I ever have an argument with anyone, just wave a donut in my face. Seriously, I will forget ever being angry and imagining myself pushing you into a stream of hot burning lava.
Trust me, bribery works.

I would never forget what someone did or said to me, I would just forget to stay in a bad mood over it.

But, not this time. I screwed up the sorry letters, threw the flowers in the bin and yeah ok, I ate the cupcake (as if I would ever just waste that).

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At that point, no amount of crawling back would have worked for old mate.

I remembered everything, I remembered the amount of pain, I remember the hatred I had, I remember every little horrible detail of the cheating, mind games, control and by then it was too late.
I became a vault that held onto the grudge for a year and a half. While you have your support, no one can understand or explain to you that this negativity and bitterness will control you.  It will bring you down and as you’re sitting there thinking you’re a better and bigger person for running off and turning away from a rough patch, it will be the anger that keeps you from crawling your way out of the depressive hole they dug.

Everything shifted. It wasn’t my ex that had the power to make bad decisions. He didn’t force me to stay out till 3 am drinking and thinking the world owed me a favour or any other shitty excuse to get drunk with the girls. He didn’t force me to keep pushing people away.
If I met a guy with the same name, I wouldn’t have given him a sideway glance.

Same job? Nope.
Same car? Nope.
Same look? No.
Fuck, same star sign? Oh, hell no.
I once had a psychic tell me, “Your true love will be a man with short dark hair, age of 25 and either a Taurus, Capricorn or Virgo”
I quickly laughed that off and replied with, “we can knock out Virgo because that’s never happening again”.

I wasn’t an approachable person. I got called intimidating by some men, I never knew exactly why, but I will admit I didn’t give the time of day. It wasn’t personal, I never gave anyone the time of day.

It wasn’t entirely his fault that I second guessed everyone’s intentions.  I judged people for my past with him, except that mistake was on me.  I got so good at despising Mr Narcissist that there was not one day I didn’t think about him.
When truth be told, angry thoughts lurked my own mind, while he happily got on with his life.

That is not healthy.  I was so unhappy for over a year just because I held onto that grudge.  And for what reason?  I wasn’t near him. There was no contact. Yet I worried my friends so much because I let this destroy the person I was. It was either a plague of fucking nightmares or panic attacks.

Eventually, you just become tired. Tired of the same hating thoughts, tired of people asking you questions about it, tired of putting an intense amount of negative energy into your life.

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I was never brave, strong or anything else daily memes describe breakups as. I was just fucking exhausted.  I simply, got over the past. I understand it isn’t simple for some people to ‘get over’ things, but for me it was never simple ‘to be angry’.

I know my closest friends don’t understand why I could let it go, but I need them to trust that I’m ok.  I don’t look back at the past, I don’t push people away, I don’t shy so much from social situations.

Who knows, I may even give another Virgo a chance.

The relationship I now have with my former flame, is friendship.  We don’t have any anger towards each other, he was happy I could finally be ok to have a conversation and I’m happy for him and where his life ended up.  I still respect him professionally and we ask each other for work and business advice constantly. I admire that he can still listen and respect my opinion with such massive aspects of life.

I guess in a way I’m thankful for a dramatic event like that, because now if I was to meet someone, I would be so grateful when they treated me kindly. If they didn’t, I know I won’t hold it against them, or myself and we can both move on to better things.

I like to think I’m understanding, I know empathy is such a strong moral of mine, and with this character I learnt how others can treat you and why.  From someone that had her own mental health issues happening and depression taking its toll, I could understand how you can’t control people, their thoughts, their actions. There isn’t any point questioning or trying to ‘fix’ people that have hurt you.

The biggest strength you do have is how you react.
Or how you don’t.

 “Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.”
– Carl Jung, Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist 

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