I don’t need you.
I want you.
I’ve come a long way since being a 21yr old in, what I thought, was love. I’m not sure if I even know what love is. I don’t know if I have a ‘type’. As I’ve changed I guess so have the men I’ve been attracted to. I don’t exactly put anytime or stress into my ‘love life’ as I think I did when I was 20. I actually don’t know the last time I went on a date because I have chosen not to, I don’t try on men like I do for clothes, or tattoos. I don’t wait for one to take interest then jump.
I’m a woman that sabotages. I sabotage any chance of meeting up, not because I’m ‘not interested’ – but simply because social situations make my anxiety go into over drive. I’ll reluctantly agree when they ask drunk, then not remind them when sober, I’ll think of excuses (which aren’t always excuses, I choose to work A LOT), I’ll simply not ‘put myself out there’ to act interested. Or the worst. I’ll start to disappear. I’ll disappear quickly to avoid the situation that I like. It’s not as though I stay in one place for too long. I’m nomadic.
Don’t get me wrong, I like the fantasy of love, just like the movies, thinking more 80’s classic, when John fist pumps the air after falling for Claire. It seems sweet.
I’m a hopeless romantic, yet a cynical realist.
I was always a little weary of romance and relationships. One man that I briefly dated (dated? I don’t know what would be classed as dated in our overcomplicated world), he’s extremely witty, charismatic and can make me laugh better than most, anyway, he had called me cynical. ‘You’re so cynical, Dakota.’
He is one of my favourite, can handle my smartarse comments and sarcastic dry remarks, sometimes insults. And probably one person that knows me quite well. Mr Charisma and I are still friends.
Then I fell for a narcissist. I was weary, but drawn in. He wasn’t my first love. But my second.
I felt special because he was spending time with me. As he said, ‘I could have any girl I want, but I chose you, Dakota’. Lucky me.
Confidence, professionalism, intelligence.
He was full of compliments, with a ‘but’. A backhanded compliment. “You’re not like any other girl”.
But… you’re not perfect and you’ll never be good enough. No one will ever be good enough. For every positive aspect about myself that I liked, he could give me a negative. Not only did I fall in love, my dignity, self esteem, independence, freedom and voice fell with me.
He kept me entrapped from the decision to leave with phrases like;
Through thick and thin
No one will love you like I do
No one will ever love you
You need me
I need you
If I can’t have you, no one can
Every modern television drama and ‘relationship quote’ post on social media lead me to believe those lines were romantic.
I was a possession, I was claimed, I was his. But he also taught me the best lesson, and the reason I remain reluctant.
I’m not that person anymore, I have myself back. I’m different, but I’m still here. I don’t know what I’m more scared of; being in love and to be loved, or the possibility that it could destroy me.
I met up with Mr Charisma again, moved away and then met Mr Adventure, a guy with a thirst for life, similar to my own and a constant positive outlook. Two completely different people, that I value for different reasons. Both of these guys remain good friends of mine. I was never in a relationship with either but was respected by them a lot more than the narcissist I was with.
So what did I learn? The difference between romanticised words, and the true words. I don’t want a guy to ‘need’ me. I want him to be happy before me, I want to be happy before him. When someone needs you, are they thinking about you, or them? Are they taking possession? When someone wants you, are they accepting your happiness even if they were to be without?
It’s simply a twist on words. One is selfless, one is selfish. Just think about their intentions before you go back to the same situation. Insane is doing the same thing over and thinking the outcome will be different (or so I’ve read, and done).
I’ve learnt to keep chasing my own curiosity for everything that life can throw in the mix, travel, adventure, impulsive decisions, and a guy could either join in beside me, or step out of the way.
I will never need you. I was fine before I met you, and I will be fine after.
But if I want you, I just want you to be happy. With or without me.