Face side to a bad reputation

I’ve lived in a few different towns.  No matter whether it is a city or small village, there will be cliques, micro management, reputations, intimidation and fucking cowards.

An advantage of being a quiet person, is we watch. A lot. I’m someone who hears people talk, will remain weary, but will give anyone a fair go before I make any judgement. I would hope that’s how people would treat me.

Everyone has their own style, characteristics and personality but what will be shown to the public will usually be what they want you to see. For example, I like to get from A to B without trouble, some people have seen me walking and thought I looked like a snobby bitch. I admit my resting bitch face isn’t the most welcoming and I don’t like awkward conversation. Now, I’m fine with people thinking that.  To me, it can be exhausting being around people, which might sound rude but as the name indicates I’m introverted.  The truth about the person I am (and this is coming from someone who thought the above) – I’m chilled, not a snobby bitch, just a very quiet person who doesn’t let a lot of people get to know her.
When I have resting bitch face I’m generally concentrating on something, might be important but will most likely be day dreaming. My mind wanders easily and I don’t realise the impression people are looking at.

Sometimes the people that scream #fitlife #summerbody #cardio are hidden up in a room with a pipe more often than they are at the gym (controversial, but fact). Airlie Beach has an extremely dark side to the coastal happiness.  Throughout the public they are the free spirited, easy go lucky summer child. The wild partier that can always bring fun to the table but behind closed doors, be a danger to themselves.  A face of beautiful makeup won’t always look pretty with a nasty comment rolling off the lipstick shade.  The loving couple wandering down the street may consist of two people that are more alone with no connection.

And more often than once, the role is reversed.  Someone with a bad reputation may not show themselves because they know it is easier for the public to believe the worse and question the good.

I have heard lots of different stories about people around town.  I have watched as those people have gotten defensive or wore it on their shoulder.  How I act towards someone has nothing to do with rumours that are spread, because unless I trust you, I won’t take into consideration what is said.

People will always notice those who stand alone, rather than in a crowd.  It is easier to talk about someone amongst your group of friends when fearing that the person alone may be a better person than yourself.  If you walk around trying to tarnish someone’s image that doesn’t say much about them, but a whole lot about you. Insecurity. Intimidation.

Sometimes the person you’re looking at and making assumptions about them is aware of exactly what you’re thinking.  Boundaries might be pushed to amuse themselves with your judgement.

“Why should I change who I am just to make someone else feel comfortable? The people who say that I’m a bitch are the ones judging, and I don’t see them coming and saying hello while I’m just keeping to my own business, comfortable and content with myself.  I am not a snob, I smile at strangers, but because of my image, people think I’m stuck up. Would they still think that if I was ‘average’ looking and didn’t take pride in my appearance?”

This lady has a point.  Image will always indicate what people will think of you.  I know I like to dress up, but some days I couldn’t care to brush my hair and might not wear the most polished clothes and those are the days I won’t be approached to sit in a fancy restaurant by the matre di.  I’ve been a waitress; I know who your manager wants in the restaurant for their ‘look’.

What if a reputation is so tarnished it cannot be defended?  Is there any point to defend yourself? Would people believe what you had to say? – Most likely no.

What is the point of trying to defend myself. I can’t. No one will come up to me and ask for the truth because they’re scared. Apparently I’m a psycho

What is the worst you’ve heard about yourself? Some of the worst I’ve heard about myself is being accused of sleeping with someone’s boyfriend, encouraging breakups, being a disrespectful person.  I’m sure other things have been said about me that I may not know about.

I have never slept with someone’s boyfriend intentionally, however five years ago I made the mistake of being mixed up in the feelings of false lust but I was never the choice.  Believe me when I say, if you’re the option, you will never be the choice. There are a lot of liars in the big bad world. That was one lesson I learnt quite young and naïve, but also an experience I made myself forget about until now I guess. And it fucking sucks to admit it. I will never be in that situation again. I don’t encourage breakups unless my best friend is in a toxic relationship and I really hope I am not a disrespectful person.  I try to never be disrespectful. If I have a problem with someone, then usually they aren’t on my radar. Intelligence ignores.

“I know people are thinking I got to where I am through dirty money”

“I have heard I raped someone, I have heard I put someone in hospital, I have heard I put a gun to someone. None of it is true.”

“No one knows the reason I got like this, I felt vulnerable, fitness was my rehabilitation, they just see the now. Fractured skull and 3 brain bleeds, I was in intensive care, couldn’t walk. No one knows I train a kid with Autism, no one sees the good. I would do anything for people I care about.”

Unfortunately, it is human nature for people to want to tell their closest friend, ‘something they heard’ about another person.

‘Promise not to tell anyone?’…. ‘Sure.’

One degree of separation later, another closest friend.

‘Promise not to tell anyone?’…. ‘Sure.’

Vicious cycle of trust, don’t you think?

And then there are Chinese whispers about what people see around town, heard from one mouth to another and some swearing they saw everything. Or so a friend of a friend reckons.

When you’re the topic of the town it is hard to ignore people staring, turning away or yelling out smart arse comments. So what thoughts are going through their mind when that happens.

It hurts, it’s frustrating, I can’t bring it up. No one will say anything to my face and I can’t set the story straight.”

Of course it is going to be hard not to react.  How long can anyone ignore being spoken about before it’s provocation, especially if the rumour is a result of wrong accusation

Somebody else’s opinion of you, isn’t any of your business.

How do we figure out the truth from the rumours?  We stop judging.  We keep our eyes open, our ears alert and our mind sharp. Learn to read people and reactions. If you’re someone that forgives, be one that never forgets. We will never all be friends, but just try make it your own judgement and ideas rather than from false allegations.

 

Advertisements

I don’t need you

I don’t need you.

 

I want you.

 

I’ve come a long way since being a 21yr old in, what I thought, was love. I’m not sure if I even know what love is.  I don’t know if I have a ‘type’.  As I’ve changed I guess so have the men I’ve been attracted to. I don’t exactly put anytime or stress into my ‘love life’ as I think I did when I was 20.  I actually don’t know the last time I went on a date because I have chosen not to, I don’t try on men like I do for clothes, or tattoos.  I don’t wait for one to take interest then jump.

I’m a woman that sabotages.  I sabotage any chance of meeting up, not because I’m ‘not interested’ – but simply because social situations make my anxiety go into over drive.  I’ll reluctantly agree when they ask drunk, then not remind them when sober, I’ll think of excuses (which aren’t always excuses, I choose to work A LOT), I’ll simply not ‘put myself out there’ to act interested. Or the worst. I’ll start to disappear.  I’ll disappear quickly to avoid the situation that I like.  It’s not as though I stay in one place for too long. I’m nomadic.
Don’t get me wrong, I like the fantasy of love, just like the movies, thinking more 80’s classic, when John fist pumps the air after falling for Claire. It seems sweet.

I’m a hopeless romantic, yet a cynical realist.

I was always a little weary of romance and relationships. One man that I briefly dated (dated? I don’t know what would be classed as dated in our overcomplicated world), he’s extremely witty, charismatic and can make me laugh better than most, anyway, he had called me cynical. ‘You’re so cynical, Dakota.’
He is one of my favourite, can handle my smartarse comments and sarcastic dry remarks, sometimes insults. And probably one person that knows me quite well. Mr Charisma and I are still friends.

Then I fell for a narcissist. I was weary, but drawn in.  He wasn’t my first love. But my second.

I felt special because he was spending time with me.  As he said, ‘I could have any girl I want, but I chose you, Dakota’. Lucky me.

Confidence, professionalism, intelligence.

He was full of compliments, with a ‘but’. A backhanded compliment.  “You’re not like any other girl”.

But… you’re not perfect and you’ll never be good enough. No one will ever be good enough. For every positive aspect about myself that I liked, he could give me a negative. Not only did I fall in love, my dignity, self esteem, independence, freedom and voice fell with me.

He kept me entrapped from the decision to leave with phrases like;

Through thick and thin
No one will love you like I do
No one will ever love you
You need me
I need you

If I can’t have you, no one can

Every modern television drama and ‘relationship quote’ post on social media lead me to believe those lines were romantic.

I was a possession, I was claimed, I was his.  But he also taught me the best lesson, and the reason I remain reluctant.

I’m not that person anymore, I have myself back. I’m different, but I’m still here.  I don’t know what I’m more scared of; being in love and to be loved, or the possibility that it could destroy me.

I met up with Mr Charisma again, moved away and then met Mr Adventure, a guy with a thirst for life, similar to my own and a constant positive outlook. Two completely different people, that I value for different reasons.  Both of these guys remain good friends of mine.  I was never in a relationship with either but was respected by them a lot more than the narcissist I was with.

So what did I learn?  The difference between romanticised words, and the true words.  I don’t want a guy to ‘need’ me. I want him to be happy before me, I want to be happy before him. When someone needs you, are they thinking about you, or them? Are they taking possession? When someone wants you, are they accepting your happiness even if they were to be without?

It’s simply a twist on words. One is selfless, one is selfish. Just think about their intentions before you go back to the same situation. Insane is doing the same thing over and thinking the outcome will be different (or so I’ve read, and done).
I’ve learnt to keep chasing my own curiosity for everything that life can throw in the mix, travel, adventure, impulsive decisions, and a guy could either join in beside me, or step out of the way.

I will never need you. I was fine before I met you, and I will be fine after.

But if I want you, I just want you to be happy. With or without me.

Hypocrite vs. Hippie-crite

One is a real word.

The other, a well worded insult.

After Leo won an Oscar, his speech was a contribution to the Climate Change issues bla bla bla he is so dreamy. Then came in the flooding memes about his super yacht and private jet with captions of hippie-crite.

It may be cleverly derived from a noun and adjective but really, it’s just an insult.  An insult that is sworn over the people that are aware of the forever growing concern of the way the global population (yes global, yes all of us) are exploiting resources and the environment yet have continued to drive vehicles, use their phones, own a yacht.

By the way, I am typing this from a computer, rather than carving it into a rock for someone to find, I also just checked my smart phone. Shoot me.

The reason why I decided to blog about this is mainly because I have heard the same joke over a number of years.  It’s as bad as, ‘you missed a spot’. Unoriginal.

old jokes.jpg

Then another reason for this blog is to ignore the message of climate justice for two seconds and look at it from another perspective. We are constantly defending ourselves and actions that are supposed to have good intentions.

People are consciously trying to learn and put a voice out for people who may not be able to.  They might be trying to cut back on their meat intake, talking about climate change issues, raising the issues of another coal mine to be our economic solution or for more land be ripped away from indigenous people but then are slapped in the face when their opinion is uploaded via an iPhone.

I understand a lot of arguments may not be carefully thought about before made public and others may get offended when they have a different approach or completely different view.  I’m the goddamn master at staring dumbfounded and shaking my head.  I can say harsh things and jump the gun with the word ignorant a lot but at least I’m going to back it with an objective rather than a meme.

So where does that leave us…

They say if you can’t beat them, join them?

What about beating them, with their own tools.

I may own a smart phone, computer, drive a car that causes emissions, and have been in a world of coal mining, I grew up in a coal mining town. It goes without a saying that I appreciate the work my parents have done in their careers to provide for my brother and I.  But does that make me a bad person for using those advantages to try get a degree in the field that I want to make an improvement in.  Myself and many other people are trying to educate themselves, solve problems, discuss ideas for our future, fight to keep culture alive, think in solidarity, create youth driven movements or be a part of them (shout out to the SEED crew) but then are labelled hypocrites because we have done this with the technology that’s been powered with non renewables.

At least we are trying and conscience about our actions. And we are trying to do this quicker than if we were to walk down to Canberra and paint our proposals on the side of the Parliament House. We aren’t stupid, we need the same technology that has been powered through non renewable resources.

What the hell are you bringing to the table? Another god damn Facebook meme.

Think about it before the next time you pipe up your voice to a kid wanting to make a change. Because it could just be your words that stop them from trying to make a different future for themselves and your grandkids.

I have no idea about this…

I’m an introvert. I’m an extreme INFP, which has intensified over the past two years.

I’m an Environmental Scientist that hasn’t graduated yet.

I’m harshly opinionated, yet not outspoken. If I am it’s only to myself. I don’t talk a lot or to many people, I’m shy unless I know you well. I have a chaotic mind, which I don’t know what to do with, I’m currently tired, diagnosed major depressive, bored, restless but mostly I think the problem is I am just under stimulated and this is what introduced me to writing a blog.

 

I have always wanted to find a way to reach out to people in a way that I couldn’t on Facebook, probably because of the fact that when I upload a selfie or pretentious bikini shot I can get over 100 ‘likes’(thanks)… but when I post something educational, to create discussion and awareness on the current environmental or humanity situations of the world that break my heart, I can count the audience on my hand, most the time 5 people ‘like’ my thoughts (thanks again, I know who you are).

 

The person I have become is definitely not the girl I was 4 years ago. I know I can, or have, confused or even disappointed a lot of people’s expectation of who they meet or who I grew into. I am sorry to the friends or family that has applied to, but luckily for me, I’m finally learning to like the person I am and I won’t apologise for that.  All the good, bad and fucking ugly.

 

Empathy is something I hope I have always had and integrity is a moral that has grown a lot on me, and no matter what choices I make, I like to think I do it with both those morals.

Because in a world of happy snaps, snide comments heard and false hope, I can’t seem to find a lot of it these days.

 

Just as the majority, I’m susceptible to the silly moments of comparing my life to others, watching Facebook for my constant news feed (which I ashamedly started to rely on that 7news.com updates and our weather). I was a believer of everyone and their happy #zen, #summerbody, #perfectday, #love selfies. I have tried, desperately, every diet trick lately (currently on Isagenix) to regain a body I once had, but never appreciated. I studied at University trying two different degrees, I tried having a ‘loving’ relationship. But what I’m really most proud of growing up the past few years has shown some light on my little life, I now have the confidence to trust my own opinion and call bullshit to the whole lot of it.

 

This will be based on my own opinion, life experience, travel, education and hopefully a new way I can create awareness, on global issues that are affecting us now and that I feel passionately about. They could be written while I’m happy, sad or angry because that’s when my brain will be working overtime, but it will be me.

I never would have imagined I would start a blog, but as they say, When in Rome, or I should now say, When on the Internet.